I haven’t posted in awhile, thankfully not because I drank. My life has seemed to have gotten so chaotic. I feel like I don’t have time for anything.
I am in school and started tutoring part time. I also have my son, of course. I am also running like a maniac because it keeps me sane. I am going to about 2 AA meetings a week, which doesn’t seem to be enough. When I talk to people in the program and they hear I have 5 months, they immediately tell me I need to get to more meetings. I don’t have the time! I wish I could bring my son, but he is 2 and 1/2. He will not sit quietly for one hour!
This is just creating stress for me. I feel like I am not doing good enough. But I am exhausted. Every night at 8pm, I almost instantly turn into a zombie. I have giant bags under my eyes and a feeling of defeat. My biopsy is next Tuesday, so I am sitting around waiting to know if I have cancer. Not a good feeling!
I am grateful that through this I am remaining sober. I picked up my 5 month chip on Tuesday. I know this feeling of dread and defeat will pass, but man does it suck to be in the middle of. I know I cannot drink, but I catch myself wishing I was back in time so I could.
I think I will just try and go back to sleep. Maybe I will wake up refreshed and with a new attitude. Good night.