Been M.I.A.

I haven’t posted in awhile, thankfully not because I drank. My life has seemed to have gotten so chaotic. I feel like I don’t have time for anything.

I am in school and started tutoring part time. I also have my son, of course. I am also running like a maniac because it keeps me sane. I am going to about 2 AA meetings a week, which doesn’t seem to be enough. When I talk to people in the program and they hear I have 5 months, they immediately tell me I need to get to more meetings. I don’t have the time! I wish I could bring my son, but he is 2 and 1/2. He will not sit quietly for one hour!

This is just creating stress for me. I feel like I am not doing good enough. But I am exhausted. Every night at 8pm, I almost instantly turn into a zombie. I have giant bags under my eyes and a feeling of defeat. My biopsy is next Tuesday, so I am sitting around waiting to know if I have cancer. Not a good feeling!

I am grateful that through this I am remaining sober. I picked up my 5 month chip on Tuesday. I know this feeling of dread and defeat will pass, but man does it suck to be in the middle of. I know I cannot drink, but I catch myself wishing I was back in time so I could.

I think I will just try and go back to sleep. Maybe I will wake up refreshed and with a new attitude. Good night.

xo

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Waiting sucks

I’m sitting outside of my classroom trying to study to take my first anatomy and physiology exam. I’m nervous and can’t focus. Not to mention this waiting for my test results is hell. I realized now that I am only waiting to confirm I have abnormal cells. I am pretty sure they are still abnormal. I want to go ahead and schedule the colposcopy so we can see how bad things are.
There seems to be a lot of waiting in early sobriety. Waiting for things to get better and more clear. I have to say I hate it. I would love to say I have the patience of the Dalai Lama, but I am far from that. I have the patience of an addict. Now! Now! Now! I want it all now!
Guess this is something to work on.

Hope everyone has a blessed day!