To my friends in recovery, remember you are never alone. I wish you a Happy New Year! And even though I don’t know you, I love you.
Today was another day where I was stuck in my head. When my husband came home from work, I forced myself to go to a yoga class. Talk about a 180! Exercise is a natural way of getting outside of yourself. I am so grateful for it, especially yoga. I think yoga is also amazing for people in recovery. You become familiar with your body again.
I am feeling blessed. Nightie night!
So tonight as I was flossing and brushing my teeth, it struck me that I am a regular flosser for the first time in my entire life. Being an alcoholic, so many things got put off for so long during my drinking. I went to the dentist for the first time in over ten years. It wasn’t pretty and I had to have deep cleaning done. But in that month since, I have flossed every night. I haven’t even really had to think about it.
I am learning to take care of myself again. By doing so, I believe my self confidence is growing. And through that, I am learning to love myself again. I have hated me for so long. I can look at myself in the mirror and not think horrible things. This is amazing. This is change. I am blessed.
After a horrible day yesterday of being so stuck in my head, I made sure to get out and enjoy life today. So I went hiking with my little boy. It was an amazing day.
That little boy is my light. He is the air that I breathe. He helps so much with my sobriety. It is hard to look at that face and want to drink. I can be the mother he deserves now. I’m not hungover and can do things like go hiking with him. Hell, I can actually get in the car and drive with him now.
I know bad times will come and go. The important thing is to work your way through those bad days. Talk to someone, write about it, go to a meeting…Do whatever you have to do.
Today was a near perfect day! I am blessed!
I feel like my husband doesn’t love me. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. I think he thinks I am a fat cow. I think he thinks that I am a worthless, selfish piece of shit. I think he is going to leave. It all sucks because I love him.
I don’t think he notices how much I try (he hates it when I say that I am trying). But dear lord I am putting everything I have into becoming a better person. I do my best to give my husband and son a good home. I feel like I spend all day cleaning. I am trying to lose weight. I have lost 33 pounds already, but I have limited workout time and I have always had issues with food.
What more can I do?
I feel like a burden on everyone.
I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. This too shall pass…
PS. It’s amazing the massive range of emotions I am feeling now in sobriety. I am crying hysterically while writing this. Ugh! I would go to a meeting but I am home alone with the wee one. I do not feel like drinking! (Silver lining!)
Alright I made it through Christmas early in sobriety!
Though I am feeling confident (right now) in my sobriety, I have to remember that alcohol is a tricky lil beast. The mental obsession comes and bites me in the hiney. While I was shopping for Christmas dinner, wine was everywhere! I just wanted to throw a few bottles in the cart and go to town. Thank God I am able to remember now. In the past when I was on a mission to get alcohol, I always forgot what alcohol does to me. I forgot about the depression and crying. I forgot about the hangovers and vomiting. I forgot about blacking out and getting arrested. Now I remember. The longer I am sober the more I can remember. Remembering is a wonderful gift I have been given in sobriety.
Previously I said I am feeling more confident. Early sobriety sucks. It really sucks. Now I also had a lot of crapped dumped on me during this time. (I say this from a personal perspective, not comparing to other people’s lives). I do get a sense of confidence knowing that I stayed sober through two of my gh family members passing away and the crap storm at home. Though it felt like during this time nothing I was doing was right and resentments were being brought up nonstop, I made it through this time without drinking. I focused on what I can do. I let go of everything else. If my husband wants to leave, then that is his choice. I cannot force his love. Even though it is so sad to see two people die so young, there was nothing I could have done. So now they are a reminder. They are a reminder of how serious addiction is. It reminds me to stay in the middle of the pack. The more involved I am, the better I feel.
One thing I did hear once was that for every hardship there are about 15 minutes of real pain and that alcoholics will do anything in the world to avoid those 15 minutes. Avoidance only results in prolonging the pain. We can stretch that pain out into days, months, years. I think I am finally learning to face pain. Facing it does make it pass more quickly.