Why is Mommy Crying?

Just a little warning, I am going to talk about women’s health issues. So if that kind of thing gives you the heebee jeebies, I would skip this post.

For the past week and a half, I have been a nut case. One part early sobriety plus one part PMS makes a crazy Amina. Everything was making me cry or really irritated. Examples, my mother asked to ease up doing the laundry. Result -> tears. A person honked at me while I pulled over into an empty parking spot. Result -> insane anger followed by tears. So I have been hypersensitive to put it lightly.

Let me give you a little back story to what is going to follow. When I found out I was pregnant with Aiden in 2010, I also had an abnormal pap. Severe dysplasia was discovered on my cervix. After a lot of scary visits to my regular ob/gyn, he sent me to a gyn-oncologist. He looked at my biopsy which he said looked horrible. After doing a physical exam, he said everything can wait until the baby was born. Phew! He told me in some cases, pregnancy can cure it. After Aiden was born, my first pap came back normal. I was healed! But now pap test’s became a very scary experience for me.

Yesterday I went to the Ob/Gyn for my yearly pap. I went to a new doctor because my previous one died and the practice closed. So I brought my records from the old practice with me. The new doctor, who was fantastic by the way, asked how my previous pap was. I told her normal. She looked in my chart and her expression changed. She mumbled abnormal cells. I asked her it wasn’t normal was it? She told me no. Immediately I burst into tears. This test was over a year ago. The receptionist at the old practice had told me my test result came back normal. I thought everything was ok.

The doctor jumped into action. She told me not to get pregnant under any circumstances. This needs to be taken care of ASAP. I informed her that I am newly sober and my smoking had dramatically increased in the past almost 5 months. She told me it is imperative to quit now. I have my first nicotine patch on today. Another pap was done and I have to wait until the latest February 11th to get my results.

So getting in my car I burst into tears again. What if it’s cancer? What am I going to do? How am I going to take care of Aiden and go to school if I have to get chemotherapy? What if I have to get a hysterectomy? I wanted more kids!

STOP IT AMINA!

Let it go.

Last night as my husband was putting my little boy to bed, Aiden asked, “Why is mommy sad?” This breaks my heart. He is old enough to know how I am feeling. I have to stay strong and not show my fear.

There is nothing I can do until I get the results. Letting my mind go to bad places is only going to drive me crazy. So I am trying my best not to think about the what ifs. Who knows, it could only be dysplasia again and I can get a simple LEEP procedure done. Anyway, I need to stay positive.  So for the next two weeks, I see a lot of meetings in my future.

Thanks for listening.

xo

amina

 

I want to feel different

I just need to get this out since I cannot get to a meeting. I want to be fucked up. Not necessarily drinking. I just want to not be sober. I have no idea why. Nothing bad or stressful is happening. I am not too in my head. I just feel uneasy. Like I could jump out of my own skin.

I am not going to drink or anything else. My husband is fully aware of how I am feeling. I just had to get that out.

I am honestly very scared right now

After coming home from a wonderful date with my husband, I noticed a certain issue I have been having getting worse. Now when I was pregnant, I was diagnosed with severe dysplasia. I went to an oncologist who said things looked good enough to wait for the baby to be born to proceed with treatment. He told me in rare cases dysplasia will just go away during a pregnancy. Well Aiden was born and six weeks later I went to the doctor. A normal pap came back. Aiden had cured me.

Recently I have been having some abnormal occurrences. I have started to realize these can be signs of cervical cancer. I am completely jumping the gun here, but this is just what is going through my head. I have a higher probability of getting it. There are symptoms. I wish I could go to the doctor right now. Unfortunately, I have to stew on this until Monday morning.

There is one more thing that has been in the back of my mind. My father died when I was little. He was 34 and I was 2. Now I am 34 and my son is 2. I know it doesn’t mean anything, but it’s just kind of been lingering back there. It doesn’t help that the anniversary of his plane crash is coming up on Monday. I don’t think anyone will be so excited to turn 35.

Whew, just had to get that out.

The Power of the Rooms

It never ceases to blow my mind the power behind the program. It is merely fellow alcoholics talking to each other. But there is so much in it. This is a place that I will never feel alone. Never. No matter where I am. This is a place where no one judges me, out loud at least. The crazy things I have done are just stories. Plus I guarantee someone in the room has done something to top it! I find it hilarious that you can tell some of your crazy stories,that most “normies” would be in shock about, and people in the rooms will laugh. There is a huge sense of relief in the rooms. You can cry and someone is always there to give you a hug or rub your back. Complete strangers have done it for me.

The amount of wisdom and hope I hear in the rooms is unparalleled. For someone like me at least. Everyone has something to contribute, whether they have 2 days sober or 20 years. I just went to an amazing women’s meeting. To hear my fellow sisters gives me such comfort. I love them all. I am so blessed to be sober. 118 days today.

Getting out of your comfort zone

Having spent so many many years drinking and wasting my life away, it is time for changes. One of the changes I have decided to add on my journey to freedom is to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. Change requires a lot of getting out of your comfort zone. I am use to getting drunk, being hungover and isolating. Now I have to branch out and try new things, by myself. This will in turn help me adjust to my new life. It will also teach me how to deal with change.

Tonight was one of those nights.

imageI tried aerial yoga. I went alone. And I was incredibly nervous. But when I got there, the staff was incredibly friendly and the instructor even worked with me before the class started. Now in my head I had this image that I was going to jump into that hammock and look like a member of Cirque du Soleil. This was not the case. It was a lot of fun and hard work. It was a great upper body and core workout. The class was very small, and we all were able to laugh at ourselves. It was amazing.

This may not seem like a big deal to many. And it really isn’t. It is a start to a new way of life. A new way of thinking. I am blessed that I was able to enjoy such a fun experience.

Namaste

 

Loving yourself

As I go to more meetings, I hear how many other people hated themselves. I hear about not being able to look in the mirror, the self loathing and the suicide attempts. Previously, I felt like I was alone in these experiences. I am learning I am not unique there.

Now my confidence is starting to grow and I am learning to love myself again, but I still have such negative thoughts about myself. Why did I spend so long drinking and wasting my life? Why did I let myself go? Why did I gain all this weight? Am I a good enough mother? Am I a good enough spouse? Am I a good enough person?

This is one of those days. I need to let go. I need to say goodbye to the “stinkin’ thinkin'”. I am unique but not because of my negative attributes or negative experiences. I am unique because of me as a whole. So I will walk through the rest of the day repeating one thing I learned in yoga. Breathe in self love. Breathe out self doubt.

Namaste

One of my biggest fears…

Today I was watching my little boy spin in circles and then stop. He would laugh about feeling dizzy, and I could see his eyes unable to focus. Most people would look and smile about such innocent fun. My head went to what if he too is an alcoholic or addict. I obviously am an alcoholic, but there is also addiction on his father’s side of the family. So there is a chance my little boy may end up one.

It breaks my heart to look at that sweet face and know what may lie ahead. I do not want him to go through the suffering and the pain that I endured. But there is nothing I can do about that. He will live his life as it is meant to be lived.

I expressed this fear to my husband before and he responded with,” He couldn’t have better parents then to help him through it”. This is true. My son will not remember me as a drinker, God willing. For this I am grateful. But I will make sure he is aware of what has happened to me and why I need to go to these meetings and work the program. Hopefully this will be an example to him, either to stay away from alcohol or to know that there is another way of life if he ends up being an alcoholic.

This fear is something I cannot dwell on either. It is there. It will probably always be there in the back of my mind until he is a fully functioning adult. I will not let this fear consume me or change my ways. So for now, I will concentrate on being an example through my actions.

“For all its usual destructiveness, we have found that fear can be the starting point for better things”.

– Bill W.