After a horrible day yesterday of being so stuck in my head, I made sure to get out and enjoy life today. So I went hiking with my little boy. It was an amazing day.
That little boy is my light. He is the air that I breathe. He helps so much with my sobriety. It is hard to look at that face and want to drink. I can be the mother he deserves now. I’m not hungover and can do things like go hiking with him. Hell, I can actually get in the car and drive with him now.
I know bad times will come and go. The important thing is to work your way through those bad days. Talk to someone, write about it, go to a meeting…Do whatever you have to do.
Today was a near perfect day! I am blessed!
Ok now that I said that I can tell you a secret…
I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!
It has been such a lonely time for me that I have zero good things to say about it. I am hoping this will pass.
I have a two year old. Christmas needs to be magical for him. This is the first year I put out “Santa” presents for him, though I don’t think he will notice. But then all I had to do was go on Facebook and see that I did the bare minimum. We don’t have an elf on the shelf. I didn’t leave cookies and milk out for Santa and carrots for his reindeer. We do not have a lot of money so he is not overloaded with gifts. The Christmas money he got I put into his savings account. I mean he is happy playing with boxes so why blow the $200 on a toy he will like for a few months. I want to make sure he can go to college.
I’m glad I have a family. I couldn’t ask for two more amazing guys in my life!
On another positive note, I did go to a Christmas Eve women’s meeting and it was beautiful. It reminded me that there are other people who feel the exact same way that I do. It reminded me that I am not alone. One woman gave us gifts. They were messages from the big book. Mine was perfect for me at this point in my life.
It blows my mind how lucky I am to be getting sober in the DC metro area. There are TONS of meetings. And I mean TONS. I can pretty much find one anytime of day within a 30 minute drive. They even have meetings that you can bring your kids to! For this I am blessed.
My husband came home tonight drunk at 2:45 am. He said he was out with his coworker that is getting a divorce. It brought back feelings of when he left before we were married and were not together for a few months. I checked his phone and found some pretty horrible text messages with “Everett”. He talks about how he would be much happier with me out of his life, how I am desperate to stay together because I will never find anyone else and how I am not doing anything to better myself or the situation. He said, “time to cut our losses.”
I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I love my husband very much. I guess the feeling isn’t mutual. 93 days sober today. I feel like so many bombs keep getting dropped on me. But I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay close to the program. If I can get through this time without drinking, I think I can get through a lot. It still hurts like hell.
The greatest lesson I have learned as a mother is to not expect anything. Aiden is the most perfect son for me. He is not anything like I expected him to be…he is million times more amazing! He is full of surprises. This morning I opened a tub of Vaseline and it was jammed full of goldfish! It is best not to expect anything.
I am making a huge effort this year to make some changes. I am doing pretty well on lifestyle changes. I am now exercising at least 4 days a week and eating much better. My energy levels are getting much higher which is fantastic. I am also trying to be more social. I had a habit of getting pretty lazy, but I am loving meeting new people. Between my mom’s group and running groups, I am feeling much more fulfilled. This is finally giving me somethings I needed, especially me time. Being a mother, your needs tend to get lost. It’s amazing that it takes a lot of effort to make sure you are taken care of too. So any mother’s out there, make sure you take care of yourself, not just by exercise, sleep and nutrition. Make sure you get time to yourself or to do what you want. At least one hour a week, make sure you are number one. Everyone will be happier in the long run!