The rough road

I do not think any one in this world can explain to another person how hard sobriety is. People go through it but still cannot warn a person the emotional turmoil it is. I feel like a let down to everyone. I am not getting to enough meetings or doing enough step work. I am not spending enough time with my family. I am not spending time with friends. I am not furthering my education. I feel like there is a tornado twisting about in me. I would give anything to make it stop. How did I get myself in this situation? The amount of could have, would have, should haves are endless. I cannot change the past. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. This too shall pass. 

Don’t give up. Remember your past but keep looking forward. 

Thy will be done…

Fake it till you make it

I am in a serious love/hate relationship with this saying. It has done wonders for me in the past. It has gotten me out of some serious funks and feeling sorry for myself episodes.

I seems like the worst thing for me to do right now. I am sad. Plain and simple. I am having to relearn myself and be painfully honest with myself. This is not a fun time. I cannot walk around with a smile on my face. Fears are controlling me right now. I am convinced my husband is checked out of this marriage. Everything I say seems to be the wrong thing to say. My hands are in the air. I surrender. All I can do is work on myself .

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Time for some complete and utter honesty

My name is Amina, and I am an alcoholic. 

These words have been easy to come out of my mouth for the past three and a half years. This does not mean I have been sober this whole time. I first got sober August 2010. I was unemployed, recently single and broke. I was going to two to three meetings a day. I found a sponsor (which is a story I will not even get into, but let’s just say it was not a good match). I found out I was pregnant October 2010. My ex came around after some tumultuous times. We were having a baby. I strayed from the program. I pretty much stopped going. I never even got my two month chip. I did remain sober through my pregnancy and the first few months of my son’s life. I mean I couldn’t drink right?

Soon I learned about pumping and dumping, so my son would not get any alcohol in the breast milk. Up until September 2013, my drinking got worse. I was not getting into trouble or anything. I was blacking out, falling down, driving…etc. Trouble was right around the corner. It was only a matter of time. My husband urged me to go to rehab and I agreed. 

I went down to Texas September 10 and had my first sober day on September 11. Rehab was wonderful. Though I went in with the idea that I would not be going back into the program, I saw things very differently this time. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot of coping skills. I learned the program was a wonderful place for someone like me. It is an amazing thing to be surrounded by people who truly understand the way you think and why you act the way you do. 

I came back home October 10 thinking there was going to be this amazing reunion. There wasn’t one. There was more fighting at home now then before I had gone to rehab. Balancing a family and working on staying sober is not easy. I have cried almost everyday since I have been home. I having been searching high and low for someone who understands my situation. Being in early sobriety with a toddler and husband is not easy. I have a sponsor, which I got the day after I came home, who is wonderful but does not always understand the demands my family puts on me. I pretty much feel like I am always letting someone down. It is not a good feeling. If anyone is in the same boat, I would love to get in touch. 

I am in the battle of my life. I am battling for my life. I have already seen how strong addiction is. Someone I know died of an overdose October 11. He was only 26. I was getting my one month chip the day he died. I cannot give up. I will not give up. 

Thy will be done.

 

Such longing

I am not sure what has come over me, but I have such a strong longing to have another baby. My husband wants us to wait until we have finished school. I’m 34 and never finished college due major issues with alcohol, depression and anxiety. I am so scared that if we wait, I won’t be able to have another. I know women are having babies into their 40’s. I don’t want to wait that long. I don’t want to run the risk of not being able to get pregnant or have something wrong with the baby. It’s starting to really eat at me. It’s doing more than that. It’s starting to make me cry a lot. It’s so hard to be around pregnant women now. 

I’m just not sure what to do.

Happy tears of joy

I am so happy to finally see this day. DOMA has been ruled unconstitutional. I can’t stop crying. I am so filled with joy to know that a handful of people I know now have the same rights I do as a straight woman. It is days like this that make me proud to be an American!!!

I’m back.

I haven’t written in here in a long time. Life just got crazy. Between my son, school and trying to keep the house clean with 3 dogs, I got swamped. 

I am hoping I will not be taking such a long break again purely for my sanity. This is a great outlet. I never intended for this to read but anyone but me. If someone, somewhere can get something from what I write, than I am more than happy to share my life.