Gratitude #33

I am grateful for 60 degree weather in winter!

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The potomac was still frozen but today was gorgeous!

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Why is Mommy Crying?

Just a little warning, I am going to talk about women’s health issues. So if that kind of thing gives you the heebee jeebies, I would skip this post.

For the past week and a half, I have been a nut case. One part early sobriety plus one part PMS makes a crazy Amina. Everything was making me cry or really irritated. Examples, my mother asked to ease up doing the laundry. Result -> tears. A person honked at me while I pulled over into an empty parking spot. Result -> insane anger followed by tears. So I have been hypersensitive to put it lightly.

Let me give you a little back story to what is going to follow. When I found out I was pregnant with Aiden in 2010, I also had an abnormal pap. Severe dysplasia was discovered on my cervix. After a lot of scary visits to my regular ob/gyn, he sent me to a gyn-oncologist. He looked at my biopsy which he said looked horrible. After doing a physical exam, he said everything can wait until the baby was born. Phew! He told me in some cases, pregnancy can cure it. After Aiden was born, my first pap came back normal. I was healed! But now pap test’s became a very scary experience for me.

Yesterday I went to the Ob/Gyn for my yearly pap. I went to a new doctor because my previous one died and the practice closed. So I brought my records from the old practice with me. The new doctor, who was fantastic by the way, asked how my previous pap was. I told her normal. She looked in my chart and her expression changed. She mumbled abnormal cells. I asked her it wasn’t normal was it? She told me no. Immediately I burst into tears. This test was over a year ago. The receptionist at the old practice had told me my test result came back normal. I thought everything was ok.

The doctor jumped into action. She told me not to get pregnant under any circumstances. This needs to be taken care of ASAP. I informed her that I am newly sober and my smoking had dramatically increased in the past almost 5 months. She told me it is imperative to quit now. I have my first nicotine patch on today. Another pap was done and I have to wait until the latest February 11th to get my results.

So getting in my car I burst into tears again. What if it’s cancer? What am I going to do? How am I going to take care of Aiden and go to school if I have to get chemotherapy? What if I have to get a hysterectomy? I wanted more kids!

STOP IT AMINA!

Let it go.

Last night as my husband was putting my little boy to bed, Aiden asked, “Why is mommy sad?” This breaks my heart. He is old enough to know how I am feeling. I have to stay strong and not show my fear.

There is nothing I can do until I get the results. Letting my mind go to bad places is only going to drive me crazy. So I am trying my best not to think about the what ifs. Who knows, it could only be dysplasia again and I can get a simple LEEP procedure done. Anyway, I need to stay positive.  So for the next two weeks, I see a lot of meetings in my future.

Thanks for listening.

xo

amina