Been M.I.A.

I haven’t posted in awhile, thankfully not because I drank. My life has seemed to have gotten so chaotic. I feel like I don’t have time for anything.

I am in school and started tutoring part time. I also have my son, of course. I am also running like a maniac because it keeps me sane. I am going to about 2 AA meetings a week, which doesn’t seem to be enough. When I talk to people in the program and they hear I have 5 months, they immediately tell me I need to get to more meetings. I don’t have the time! I wish I could bring my son, but he is 2 and 1/2. He will not sit quietly for one hour!

This is just creating stress for me. I feel like I am not doing good enough. But I am exhausted. Every night at 8pm, I almost instantly turn into a zombie. I have giant bags under my eyes and a feeling of defeat. My biopsy is next Tuesday, so I am sitting around waiting to know if I have cancer. Not a good feeling!

I am grateful that through this I am remaining sober. I picked up my 5 month chip on Tuesday. I know this feeling of dread and defeat will pass, but man does it suck to be in the middle of. I know I cannot drink, but I catch myself wishing I was back in time so I could.

I think I will just try and go back to sleep. Maybe I will wake up refreshed and with a new attitude. Good night.

xo

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Why is Mommy Crying?

Just a little warning, I am going to talk about women’s health issues. So if that kind of thing gives you the heebee jeebies, I would skip this post.

For the past week and a half, I have been a nut case. One part early sobriety plus one part PMS makes a crazy Amina. Everything was making me cry or really irritated. Examples, my mother asked to ease up doing the laundry. Result -> tears. A person honked at me while I pulled over into an empty parking spot. Result -> insane anger followed by tears. So I have been hypersensitive to put it lightly.

Let me give you a little back story to what is going to follow. When I found out I was pregnant with Aiden in 2010, I also had an abnormal pap. Severe dysplasia was discovered on my cervix. After a lot of scary visits to my regular ob/gyn, he sent me to a gyn-oncologist. He looked at my biopsy which he said looked horrible. After doing a physical exam, he said everything can wait until the baby was born. Phew! He told me in some cases, pregnancy can cure it. After Aiden was born, my first pap came back normal. I was healed! But now pap test’s became a very scary experience for me.

Yesterday I went to the Ob/Gyn for my yearly pap. I went to a new doctor because my previous one died and the practice closed. So I brought my records from the old practice with me. The new doctor, who was fantastic by the way, asked how my previous pap was. I told her normal. She looked in my chart and her expression changed. She mumbled abnormal cells. I asked her it wasn’t normal was it? She told me no. Immediately I burst into tears. This test was over a year ago. The receptionist at the old practice had told me my test result came back normal. I thought everything was ok.

The doctor jumped into action. She told me not to get pregnant under any circumstances. This needs to be taken care of ASAP. I informed her that I am newly sober and my smoking had dramatically increased in the past almost 5 months. She told me it is imperative to quit now. I have my first nicotine patch on today. Another pap was done and I have to wait until the latest February 11th to get my results.

So getting in my car I burst into tears again. What if it’s cancer? What am I going to do? How am I going to take care of Aiden and go to school if I have to get chemotherapy? What if I have to get a hysterectomy? I wanted more kids!

STOP IT AMINA!

Let it go.

Last night as my husband was putting my little boy to bed, Aiden asked, “Why is mommy sad?” This breaks my heart. He is old enough to know how I am feeling. I have to stay strong and not show my fear.

There is nothing I can do until I get the results. Letting my mind go to bad places is only going to drive me crazy. So I am trying my best not to think about the what ifs. Who knows, it could only be dysplasia again and I can get a simple LEEP procedure done. Anyway, I need to stay positive.  So for the next two weeks, I see a lot of meetings in my future.

Thanks for listening.

xo

amina

 

Relief Seeking Missile

I heard this phrase in a meeting tonight. Describes me to a T. I’m sure it describes many other alcoholics, if not all of them. My drinking years, almost 20 years of them, were filled with this need to feel relief. The nervousness and anxiety was ever present. Alcohol was the main source of relief, which in turn created even more anxiety and depression. Sick cycle.

I am grateful that today I do not wake up thinking about when I can drink next. I am grateful that when 7 pm rolls around my skin is not crawling and I am insanely agitated. I, of course, am not free with the urge to drink. It happens from time to time and will for the rest of my life. But I am learning tools to cope. I am learning options to get through the times of seeking relief. For this I am eternally grateful. I no longer have to take the path of self destruction to calm the relief seeking missile that I am.

I feel blessed.

Learning How to Pray

So I keep hearing over and over how much prayer helps. I was talking to my sponsor, and she suggested I start praying daily. I was listening to her explain how much it helps and that it is very important for people like me. All the meanwhile, the only thing going through my head was…

How do you pray?

I went to an Episcopalian school K-12. Now that was 13 years of going to chapel once a week. That should make me an expert, right? Quite the contrary. I just did what was asked of me. Sit, stand, kneel, sing, be quiet. I have never really prayed. My mother was raised in a Catholic orphanage in a muslim country and married a russian orthodox man. Still no guidance there.

When I was a kid, I used to talk to my dad all the time, when I was scared or upset or just needed someone to talk to (he died when I was two, fyi). I catch myself doing that still at times, mainly when I feel like I have let him down. Maybe it’s a little like that?

Even in yoga, we have moments of silence in savasana. But there my mind in pretty blank. I am just basking in the joy of the practice. It took a long time to learn how to clear my head head like that. So that can’t be it.

I also say the serenity prayer and the lord’s prayer a few times a week. But that just doesn’t seem to be what I need to do.

So I asked my sponsor, what do you do when you pray? Do you have to be on your knees with hands palm to palm? Do i need to be in silence on the ground with my eyes closed sitting in criss cross? Do I need to start learning a bunch of verses to bust out for what ever situation is called for? She simply said no. There really are no rules. She told me how she heard in a meeting once that prayer can be as simple as please and thank you.

So I will now make my attempt to start praying daily. My sponsor gave me a great starting point of starting the day with a quiet moment and simply ask, “please keep me sober today”. Then I will end the day with, “thank you for keeping me sober today”. I can worry about going more into detail once I have gotten into this habit. I am actually pretty excited to start.

I want to feel different

I just need to get this out since I cannot get to a meeting. I want to be fucked up. Not necessarily drinking. I just want to not be sober. I have no idea why. Nothing bad or stressful is happening. I am not too in my head. I just feel uneasy. Like I could jump out of my own skin.

I am not going to drink or anything else. My husband is fully aware of how I am feeling. I just had to get that out.

Wishing I could bring you with me

The other day I was in my bodypump class (I’m trying to lose weight) with two mother’s from my running group (really trying!). I was trying, painfully so, to join in the conversation. I am still so awkward around people. I still have a hard time looking people in the eye. I struggle with trying to figure out what to say. In doing this, horribly inappropriate things always come out of my mouth making me feel worse. I am not exactly worried about what other people think of me. I am more worried about things being uncomfortable.

When I am with my fellow alcoholics, I am not worried. I don’t know if it’s knowing that these people understand where I am coming from. They understand how I think and feel at times. It’s a bit of the survivor camaraderie. We have all been to some bit of hell, our own personal hell, and are still standing. Most of the time I am around other alcoholics, they are strangers. But I am at ease. I do wish I had more time to get to know more people in the program, but right now my life does not allow it. Most people aren’t free to socialize early in the morning. (Life of a mother with a toddler)

I wish I could have these same feelings around “normies”. I am hopeful that one day it will. I have heard people share it does. So in the mean time, I will just wait and embrace the awkwardness that is me.

An “Oh Crap” Moment

I just got home from a meeting, where I finally got my 4 month chip (yay!). It was a really good meeting. It was small, but everyone was really friendly. I was asked to read, which I did nervously. Then as the speaker was sharing his experience a familiar face walked in the door. I looked at this man realizing that I know him. He had lost quite a bit of weight, but I know I knew him from somewhere. Where did I know him from?

I was put on the spot and asked to share second while my head was just filing through the people I have met in my life. I spilled out some ramblings, which probably made no sense to anyone. I couldn’t really tell you because I can’t really remember what I said. I was that distracted.

Then it hit me. He was a bartender at a bar I used to get stupid drunk at in my early and mid twenties. I had actually ended up being banned from that bar. Classy huh?! I immediately felt really embarrassed, self conscious and uncomfortable. I wanted out of the meeting. But then I calmed myself down and thought, why am I feeling this way. I mean, he is here too. I can’t imagine everything has been peaches and cream for him or else he wouldn’t have been there. Plus, he probably isn’t judging me for being there. Come to find out he is new to the program. Maybe I can introduce him to some of the guys I have met.

Anyway, another lesson learned today. There is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed of being an alcoholic. I was born this way. I did not ask for this disease. I am doing something about being an alcoholic. That is something to feel good about. The cycle has stopped ( for good, God willing).