Gratitude #11

I am grateful for 4 months sober today! I’m blessed!

I am honestly very scared right now

After coming home from a wonderful date with my husband, I noticed a certain issue I have been having getting worse. Now when I was pregnant, I was diagnosed with severe dysplasia. I went to an oncologist who said things looked good enough to wait for the baby to be born to proceed with treatment. He told me in rare cases dysplasia will just go away during a pregnancy. Well Aiden was born and six weeks later I went to the doctor. A normal pap came back. Aiden had cured me.

Recently I have been having some abnormal occurrences. I have started to realize these can be signs of cervical cancer. I am completely jumping the gun here, but this is just what is going through my head. I have a higher probability of getting it. There are symptoms. I wish I could go to the doctor right now. Unfortunately, I have to stew on this until Monday morning.

There is one more thing that has been in the back of my mind. My father died when I was little. He was 34 and I was 2. Now I am 34 and my son is 2. I know it doesn’t mean anything, but it’s just kind of been lingering back there. It doesn’t help that the anniversary of his plane crash is coming up on Monday. I don’t think anyone will be so excited to turn 35.

Whew, just had to get that out.

The Power of the Rooms

It never ceases to blow my mind the power behind the program. It is merely fellow alcoholics talking to each other. But there is so much in it. This is a place that I will never feel alone. Never. No matter where I am. This is a place where no one judges me, out loud at least. The crazy things I have done are just stories. Plus I guarantee someone in the room has done something to top it! I find it hilarious that you can tell some of your crazy stories,that most “normies” would be in shock about, and people in the rooms will laugh. There is a huge sense of relief in the rooms. You can cry and someone is always there to give you a hug or rub your back. Complete strangers have done it for me.

The amount of wisdom and hope I hear in the rooms is unparalleled. For someone like me at least. Everyone has something to contribute, whether they have 2 days sober or 20 years. I just went to an amazing women’s meeting. To hear my fellow sisters gives me such comfort. I love them all. I am so blessed to be sober. 118 days today.

Getting out of your comfort zone

Having spent so many many years drinking and wasting my life away, it is time for changes. One of the changes I have decided to add on my journey to freedom is to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. Change requires a lot of getting out of your comfort zone. I am use to getting drunk, being hungover and isolating. Now I have to branch out and try new things, by myself. This will in turn help me adjust to my new life. It will also teach me how to deal with change.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I tried aerial yoga. I went alone. And I was incredibly nervous. But when I got there, the staff was incredibly friendly and the instructor even worked with me before the class started. Now in my head I had this image that I was going to jump into that hammock and look like a member of Cirque du Soleil. This was not the case. It was a lot of fun and hard work. It was a great upper body and core workout. The class was very small, and we all were able to laugh at ourselves. It was amazing.

This may not seem like a big deal to many. And it really isn’t. It is a start to a new way of life. A new way of thinking. I am blessed that I was able to enjoy such a fun experience.

Namaste

 

Loving yourself

As I go to more meetings, I hear how many other people hated themselves. I hear about not being able to look in the mirror, the self loathing and the suicide attempts. Previously, I felt like I was alone in these experiences. I am learning I am not unique there.

Now my confidence is starting to grow and I am learning to love myself again, but I still have such negative thoughts about myself. Why did I spend so long drinking and wasting my life? Why did I let myself go? Why did I gain all this weight? Am I a good enough mother? Am I a good enough spouse? Am I a good enough person?

This is one of those days. I need to let go. I need to say goodbye to the “stinkin’ thinkin'”. I am unique but not because of my negative attributes or negative experiences. I am unique because of me as a whole. So I will walk through the rest of the day repeating one thing I learned in yoga. Breathe in self love. Breathe out self doubt.

Namaste

One of my biggest fears…

Today I was watching my little boy spin in circles and then stop. He would laugh about feeling dizzy, and I could see his eyes unable to focus. Most people would look and smile about such innocent fun. My head went to what if he too is an alcoholic or addict. I obviously am an alcoholic, but there is also addiction on his father’s side of the family. So there is a chance my little boy may end up one.

It breaks my heart to look at that sweet face and know what may lie ahead. I do not want him to go through the suffering and the pain that I endured. But there is nothing I can do about that. He will live his life as it is meant to be lived.

I expressed this fear to my husband before and he responded with,” He couldn’t have better parents then to help him through it”. This is true. My son will not remember me as a drinker, God willing. For this I am grateful. But I will make sure he is aware of what has happened to me and why I need to go to these meetings and work the program. Hopefully this will be an example to him, either to stay away from alcohol or to know that there is another way of life if he ends up being an alcoholic.

This fear is something I cannot dwell on either. It is there. It will probably always be there in the back of my mind until he is a fully functioning adult. I will not let this fear consume me or change my ways. So for now, I will concentrate on being an example through my actions.

“For all its usual destructiveness, we have found that fear can be the starting point for better things”.

– Bill W.

 

 

Telling on myself

I have to be honest and say that in the past week or two I have seriously strayed from the program. I’m not sure if it’s the holidays or because I feel pretty comfortable now. There really is no excuse. I need to get back in action before something bad happens. I needed to put this down so I could be held accountable. No hiding this.

Gratitude #2

Today I am grateful for my husband making lunch on his day off. Veggie bacon and apple grilled cheese! Yum!

Gratitude #1

I am so thankful that I get to be this little boy’s mother. He really is amazing. He has such a kind heart and is doing great with his speech development. He makes me proud everyday. I am thankful to have him in my life!

Phew, I made it!

Last night was tough. Really tough. I have been sober a few New Year’s Eves before. One I was pregnant and the other two I was so hungover from drinking the night before that I was asleep by around 8. I wanted to drink so badly. As I looked at Facebook and Instagram, all I could see was endless pictures of champagne or people drinking. I finally put my phone away. My husband was aware of my severe discomfort. I was able to communicate to him how badly I wanted to drink. He was super supportive. He never left my side. To that I am so grateful. Though I was not awake at midnight, I made it through New Year’s sober.

I fell asleep at 11:30…party pooper! I would rather be the party pooper now than what I was before. And today, I get to spend a lovely day with my family at the Natural History Museum. I am blessed!